When I reflect on the battle for “marriage equality” over the past decade or two, I feel like I have fallen through a trans-dimensional wormhole from the real world into George Orwell’s Nineteen Eighty-Four. Eastasia is the enemy. Eastasia has always been the enemy. Eurasia is the enemy. Eurasia has always been the enemy. Marriage includes gay couples. Marriage has always included gay couples…
The Ministry of Truth has once again held forth, and you had better get on board with the doublethink pronto lest you be guilty of thoughtcrime. Should you be so treasonous as to actually donate money to support oldthink, you should expect to be ousted from your job ─ even if you are CEO and co-founder. The fact that marriage has been a core institution of human civilization going back millennia and has never, until recently, been defined to include same-sex couples is of little concern.
Pesky details such as the Constitution and State’s Rights are of minimal importance when considering issues of this magnitude. Surely the framers intended to have a section on gay marriage in the Constitution and it must have simply gotten lost in the commotion. And of course the 14th Amendment, with its Equal Protection clause, was only marginally concerned with ensuring rights for former slaves after the end of the civil war. The real motivation for Americans of that era was certainly to usher in marriage equality ─ they just never got around to following up their initiative in the next century or so.
And why even bother with the nuisance of democracy to resolve this? So much arguing and finger-pointing! As Justice Scalia drily observed, why not just let a committee of nine lawyers decide it all for us. Surely they know what is best for us, else they would not be on the Supreme Court to begin with.
The bellyfeel is so satisfying on this issue that the Ministry must have it right. How can we be sure? Why, just check Facebook! Look at all those profile pictures being overlaid with pastel rainbows in the wake of the SCOTUS decision. How could all those forward-thinking individuals be wrong? I say we treat ourselves to an extra helping of Victory gin to celebrate our sophisticated open-mindedness.
Let’s not overdo it though ─ we still have important business to attend to. It is hard to believe it is still happening in the 21st century ─ but some people are continuing to refer to cats as cats rather than giving them their proper due respect and acknowledging them as dogs. Talk about micro-aggressions! Can you imagine the angst the cats must feel having their housemates constantly referred to as man’s best friend? It is time we started making measurable progress on pet equality!
Of course our dear Big Brother, President Obama, saw the truth of it all three years ago ─ just in time for the 2012 presidential election. What a coincidence that was! And in what is surely a tribute to Orwell himself, he is putting forth celebratory proclamations as though he was steadfastly for gay marriage all along. It would seem, however, that his Winston Smith is falling down on the job a bit as there are still numerous video archives of our fearless leader appearing to state clear opposition to the truth of marriage equality that have yet to find their way to the memory hole.
If we are fortunate with our Orwellian karma, our new Big Sister will be Hillary. She was even more attuned to the emanations coming from the Ministry and saw the truth even sooner than Big Brother. The video footage of sister Hillary stating that marriage is clearly between a man and a woman is surely a fabricated piece of propaganda put forth by the Enemy of the State, Emmanuel Goldstein.
What a blessing it is having the Ministry of Truth looking out for us. Without their loving guidance, we would all be doomed to make the same mistake that the rest of civilization has made for the past seven thousand years or so. Thank you Ministry!
Eric Minor is a software consultant based in the greater Seattle area.
