It’s the little voting machine that could. In Guilford County, North Carolina, some residents who cast ballots for Mitt Romney found their votes switched to Barack Obama. Writes MyFox8.com:
[Bur-Mil Park voter] Sher Coromalis ... says she cast her ballot for Governor Mitt Romney, but every time she entered her vote the machine defaulted to President Obama....
Marie Haydock, who also voted at the Bur-Mil Park polling location, had the same problem.
Well, ever since observing Al Gore, I knew that machines leaned Democrat. However, a North Carolina elections official posits a different theory. Again from MyFox8:
Guilford County Board of Elections Director George Gilbert says the problem arises every election. It can be resolved after the machine is re-calibrated by poll workers.
"It's not a conspiracy [sic] it's just a machine that needs to be corrected," Gilbert said.
Is it just me, or is this problem that “arises every election” one where malfunctioning machines always seem to err in favor of Democrats?
Other questions are raised. How many people voted for Romney in Bur-Mil Park and didn’t even notice their votes were switched? How many of Al Gore’s other slightly less charming relatives occupy polling stations around America? And can they be numerous enough so that the election can be “corrected” in favor of Hope and Change the Vote?
This is why I never liked the idea of electronic voting machines. Sure, after the stolen 2000 election (from Demtionary.com: “stolen election noun 1. an election not won by a Democrat 2. (archaic) an election won via dishonest means”), with its hanging chads and Florida early-bird-special voters who couldn’t distinguish between Pat Buchanan and Al Gore on a ballot — despite one candidate actually being human — there was a drumbeat for modernization. “Why is the United States in this day and age still using paper ballots?!” they asked. “We need cutting-edge technology.” But they call it a paper trail for a reason. Do we really want to trade this for an electron trail?
I don’t know about you, but I like having physical ballots as evidence should there be a contested election. This is true even if we have to tolerate images of Amazing Kreskin poll workers divining the meaning of a slightly bulging chad because, as we know, every vote must be counted.
Even if it means we’re counting no votes as corrected ones.
Oh, and while on this subject, please, if you’re so worn out from early bingo and the last shuffleboard game that you can’t actually penetrate a punch-card ballot with a tempered-steel implement, ask for help. Just don the bifocals and watch the poll worker like a hawk, lest he be a Pat Buchanan acolyte.
Speaking of help, some political functionaries are such good Samaritans that they won’t just help people cast ballots.
They’ll do it for them.
One of these Johnny-on-the-spots is Patrick Moran, son of Virginia congressman Jim Moran (quick, kids, can you guess these utter Morans’ political affiliation?). Moran the Younger — who can be seen in this WND article grinning like a Cheshire Biden cat — was recently caught on video facilitating vote fraud. This term, however, must be properly understood. Again from Demtionary.com:
1. a get-out-the-vote drive
2. (archaic…or conservative) deceit, trickery, or sharp practice designed to help win elections
But the Morans have a history of charitable behavior. Poppa Moran once even tried to help six al-Qaeda-trained Muslims move to Virginia despite withering criticism from judgmental, intolerant Americans who claimed that all the money he took from terrorist sources might have had something to do with it. As for his ambitious boy Patrick, he did lose his position as daddy’s campaign field director, but, fear not, he won’t add to the Correct Candidate’s unemployment numbers. It’s rumored that Pat will take on the position of Lance Armstrong’s diet and nutrition coach.
Of course, not all voter aid is so unappreciated that those offering it lose their jobs. A case in point is Bridgeport, Connecticut, mayor Bill Finch (D), who was recently caught on tape promising to help ex-statehouse comrade and aspiring senatorial candidate Chris Murphy (D) get out the vote — Demtionary style. Bridgeport, by the way, is a bit like Detroit, just without the charm, booming economy, and quaint neighborhoods. It’s the perfect place to get out the votes, though, because even the UN-affiliated election monitors sent to our shores are afraid to go there. Anyway, if Bridgeport’s economy is wanting, it’s certainly not due to a lack of industry on the part of its burning-the-midnight-oil mayor. In fact, he promised Murphy, writes The Weekly Standard, “Even if it takes a couple of days to get the results, ‘You can be guaranteed you’re going to get the vote.’” Hey, you can just count on (and with) that Finch. He’ll leave the light on for ya’.
If you find any of this troubling, you clearly lack a charitable spirit — under the new definitions. But don’t worry; you’ll be corrected soon. The machine’s candidate will have more flexibility after the election.